Waiting

Well I'm waiting for my sister to be out of her activities from school. Somedays I feel more like her parents than a sister and I find that I really don't mind. I rather like her school but I have issues with it being so close to a church. I don't have anything against religion but this church has always given me the willie nillies.... I'm scared of overly zealous religious people and this church is filled with them.

I'm so glad it's a friday.... I want to get home, rest for a bit, and then going out again with my friend Rita. I really want to go to the Vagina Monologues too.... but we'll see how the afternoon goes. What I'm not looking forward to is going to the pledge pinning ceremony for the fraternity that I'm part of but I suppose I'll have to go... I guess :/. My mom should also be coming today from her work trip.... YAY *sarcasm* my vacations are over.

The one thing I did do yesterday that has me all excited was finally going to the QSA (Queer Straight Alliance) meeting at my university! I had been wanting to be part of that for SO long but never did it but this semester I am determined to be active in the organization. One thing I really want to bring to the table is creating something that would allow all LGBT youth to express themselves and their feelings if they can't find it in their high schools or family.

I'm officially part of a board that is helping organize something called the Queer Prom that allows those LGBT who were never able to go to their proms or homecoming because they weren't allowed or were to scared to take a date of the same gender. Let the Brain storming begin! ^_^

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Song of the day........Linkin Park - Numb

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
( Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertwo)
And every second I waste is more than I can take


I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is bemore like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

Internal Battle

Over the last few years I've been having a hard time with doing the things that I love without having the need to hide it and doing the things that are suppose to help me in the future. That's the reason why I chose to major in business and join a professional fraternity but quitte frankly it really hasn't done anything for me. Granted  I don't think I chose wrong in deciding to be an Accounting and International Business major but everything else has been a mistake.... or so I think. The thing that really has weighed on my mind more than anything has been the professsional fraternity I joined a year ago.

I don't like discouraging people from joining organizations but I found it more than disappointing over the last year. Quite frankly most of the business organizations are either disorganized or a clique. I have to admit that I really don't like the dynamics of the fraternity anymore... of course I use to like it at the beginning but when you see people act a certain way you kind stop and think if that's really what you want to surround yourself with. I have a little over a year to finish my two bachelors and I can finally leave this god forsaken town and start anew someplace else.

I guess my disappointment stems from my personal failure to be independent and the actions of people in the fraternity itself. I hate that I haven't been to able to experience the college experience because I chose to stay in my hometown for school and, in turn, continue living with my parents. Having grown up in a rather tradition hispanic home there really isn't a sense of independece because the whole family is dependent on each other. That's not my style at all... it's been stifling the last few years to say the LEAST. When you havee to answer to someone about where you're going, why you're coming home late at night, why you're staying late at school, why you're going out with your friends, why do you have to dedicate so much time to a school organizations..... it starts to fray your nerves. For me, that was the straw that broke the camels back.... I should have to answer all these questions just to walk out of my house.

When talking about the fraternity my main gripe was the amount of PARTYING they were doing.... so little of the actual professionalism we were suppose to be doing. I have a severe dislike for alcoholics..... now there's a difference between enjoying a few drinks and getting drunk once in awhile when you do have a few too many but when you're an alcoholic....when you drink almost everyday and drunk with the purpose of being sloshed then... I have issues. That's what was happening in the fraternity in the last year. Once I finished my pledging process, I had dedicated so much of myself so I could bring in something for the fraternity only to find that people were interested in going to the bars at 3 in the afternoon rather than attend a professional event. I suppose that's the downfall of people who attend a commuter school. This last semester that passed was my limit..  I took on the position for Pledge Educator...FUCK was the the worst decision ever! Not only were people more concerned about conserving traditions that are considered hazing then improving the quality of our organization and then people what to feed you this fuckin bull shit about wanting to improve?!?! Cry me a fucking river. I forced myself to finish my term (I came so close to quitting but I didn't want to drop my responsibilites) I just went about it with an aloof attitude. But because people can't keep themselves in check our chapter got put into probation by the univeristy because of an underage druinking after I told people over and over againthat they couldn't drink of they were underage. Oh well, it's in the past now.

Now I'm here this semester not giving a fuck about what happens with them. I know that people are going to give me shit and probably try to remove me from the fraternity...can't say that I'd be too disappointed. Of course they would kick someone else who had been putting an effort for a whole fucking year but they would definitely keep a handful of people that didn't do SHIT after they came into the frat with me. I just see it this way... I'm done with the bull shit. I rather join things that are going a to make a difference to me and help me develop as a person.

.......Music obsession

One of the things I'll be sharing is my love for music.. I have a rather eclectic range of taste when it comes to music so expect to see different music genres. I'm rather fond of songs that convey some form of message and emotion. I especially understand that a song can mean many things depending on the person that is singing it. This is a beautiful cover of Unthinkable by Alicia Keys being sung my Esna on youtube. I definitely enjoy the emotion and depth she infuses into the song but what's rather striking is the actual arrangment of this piece. Enjoy! ^_^

My moment of Enlightment

I need to surround myself with positive people, to positively reaffirm to myself that there's good in this world to hope for and that nothing can stop me from accomplishing what I want. That the things that I think I should do and the things that I want are two separate things and that there are things in my life worth chasing after. That instead of talking about the future I should focus on today, that I should not be afraid to be myself and worry so much about the people who wish to limit that side of me. It's time for me to open my eyes and realize that I will not be able to part of the bigger picture if all I do is wish instead of acting upon because we all can talk about the things that we wish to do but there is a difference between keeping them an idea and making them a reality.

Too long have I hidden behind the excuses behind my failures to completely be me and to understand the consequences of my actions. I can blame my mother for being way to oppressive of the person that I am because I am afraid she will not accept me, I can blame my biological father for never being part o fmy life and creating so much of my insecurity, I can blame all those people that have come into my life and abused me for their own sick perversions for making me this angry person when in reality the only person there is to blame is myself. I have not yet learned to love myself in my entirety, I have not yet learned to forgive those who have wronged me, I have not yet learned to LIVE as I should because I am too afraid of failing, I have yet to learn how to love because I am so afraid of baring my soul to others.
This has been on ongoing journey for me in the last few years where I've lost myself completely in the process of finding myself because I've made so many excuses for myself. I admit to my mistakes, to the facade that I've seem to have created, to the constant fear that people cannot accept me for who I am, for isolating myself from the wonderful that exist beyond the horizons. I am done with being afraid. It won't be easy that I know and there will be people who will fight me about my decisions, for my attitude, and my opinions but I MUST learn how LOVE myself unconditionally.
I want to be out in the world being 100% in love with myself instead of being in love with the idea of the person I should be. Where my weight or bisexuality won't be looked upon as a disease or abnormal. I have remained stagnant for too long in my own little world. I know I can be better I just have to believe it and be it rather than just think it. There have been times where I just want to give up because I don't know what I want and my mind becomes this jumbled mess but then there are those AMAZING people in my life that remind me of how wonderful it is be alive, to have dreams, and just be. You (meaning my most precious people) don't know how much you truly mean to me and what having you in my life has done nor do you know the utter and complete happiness you bring to me. Having you so far away can be trying sometimes when all I need is hug but I know that you care nonetheless and it brings me the comfort I need.
I don't know where all of this came from but I do know that it's a reflection what I've been feeling the last few years. Amazing what a little denial can do to you but I'm ready to finally just be. It won't be easy but no one ever said life would be.