I need to surround myself with positive people, to positively reaffirm to myself that there's good in this world to hope for and that nothing can stop me from accomplishing what I want. That the things that I think I should do and the things that I want are two separate things and that there are things in my life worth chasing after. That instead of talking about the future I should focus on today, that I should not be afraid to be myself and worry so much about the people who wish to limit that side of me. It's time for me to open my eyes and realize that I will not be able to part of the bigger picture if all I do is wish instead of acting upon because we all can talk about the things that we wish to do but there is a difference between keeping them an idea and making them a reality.
Too long have I hidden behind the excuses behind my failures to completely be me and to understand the consequences of my actions. I can blame my mother for being way to oppressive of the person that I am because I am afraid she will not accept me, I can blame my biological father for never being part o fmy life and creating so much of my insecurity, I can blame all those people that have come into my life and abused me for their own sick perversions for making me this angry person when in reality the only person there is to blame is myself. I have not yet learned to love myself in my entirety, I have not yet learned to forgive those who have wronged me, I have not yet learned to LIVE as I should because I am too afraid of failing, I have yet to learn how to love because I am so afraid of baring my soul to others.
This has been on ongoing journey for me in the last few years where I've lost myself completely in the process of finding myself because I've made so many excuses for myself. I admit to my mistakes, to the facade that I've seem to have created, to the constant fear that people cannot accept me for who I am, for isolating myself from the wonderful that exist beyond the horizons. I am done with being afraid. It won't be easy that I know and there will be people who will fight me about my decisions, for my attitude, and my opinions but I MUST learn how LOVE myself unconditionally.
I want to be out in the world being 100% in love with myself instead of being in love with the idea of the person I should be. Where my weight or bisexuality won't be looked upon as a disease or abnormal. I have remained stagnant for too long in my own little world. I know I can be better I just have to believe it and be it rather than just think it. There have been times where I just want to give up because I don't know what I want and my mind becomes this jumbled mess but then there are those AMAZING people in my life that remind me of how wonderful it is be alive, to have dreams, and just be. You (meaning my most precious people) don't know how much you truly mean to me and what having you in my life has done nor do you know the utter and complete happiness you bring to me. Having you so far away can be trying sometimes when all I need is hug but I know that you care nonetheless and it brings me the comfort I need.
I don't know where all of this came from but I do know that it's a reflection what I've been feeling the last few years. Amazing what a little denial can do to you but I'm ready to finally just be. It won't be easy but no one ever said life would be.
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