I'm finding it extremely difficult to sit and be productive for once despite how much I need it this semester. I don't know if it's because I'm at home or what but it's becoming an increasing problem that I really don't know how to deal with. You would think that after so many years of going to college I would have a routine that would work for me. I can't really make myself care though and I think that's the root of all my problems... I just don't care. Not that's a revelation but I've been spending too much time thinking the last few months and it's really come down to why it is that I care so much about all my morals and arguements.... why should I care if someone isn't going to college... it isn't doing me any favors and by the time I graduate I'll be lucky to find a mediocre job with the shit I've made my GPA into. I don't know if I would go back and change the last few years but I feel that something is missing in my life. Wow I really seem to be jumping around but I'll come back to what I was talking about... through my revelations I've come to this agreement to myself that some things don't really matter in this world... it's just like humans to make things so important to us that we lose sight of the things that truly matter. For me it's been an issue because I can't really find something to care for.... I know I say that I love my family but I can only really say that I love my sister... other than that what else can I love. It's all this massive ball of nonethingness.
I think part of the reason why I've become so detached has been because I can't really be in the middle... either I become to emotionally involved or detached there's no balance between the two. When I have been emotionally attached I've come out so exhausted and feeling so raw that I really don't want to experience it again. Perhaps it's my overwhelming negativity that has me in this ..depressive?... spiral that I can't seem to pull myself out of. I really want to be involved and be this person that people can look up to but I have to force myself because... there's just no incentive to move forward. I keep think "one more year and you're done... your freedom is right around the corner" but is it? Can I truly be free? Maybe I'm just too afraid to move forward and I can't let myself break outta of my shell.
I don't know what is that I'm looking for. But the thing I want most right now? I think that's someone that understands me... companionship and I don't mean a relationship of the romantic kind but just someone I can be me with. I constantly feel like a child because I can't find people I can relate with but feel this jealousy towards people that have that. I'm starting to think that I'm really not like most twenty some year olds that want to party and have fun... maybe I need that but I don't think I do.. at least it doesn't appeal to me like it would to most people. Everyone else seems to moving along and I'm stuck... just stuck not really going forward or backwards and I really hate the feeling.
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