Holding Hands...

Tuesday afternoon I spent my day at school with the purpose of studying for my tax exam and giving a pledge an interview. I ended up interviewing another pledge and spending time with my kindred spirit but there's something that's been on mind lately that happened that day. I feel like I'm over thinking it way too much but I'm it's still on my mind. I always joke about this girl being kindred spirit because I feel extremely comfortable around her and we always have great conversations plus I feel like there's an awesome connection between me and her. But I've noticed that she's very touchy with me and Tuesday was no exception. When I finished my interview with a pledge I sat with her and while she interviewed a pledge. We mainly talked and joked around but during the conversation with the pledge she unconsciously (or maybe it was conscious) took a hold of my hand and interlocked our fingers together. I don't know about other people but holding hands in that manner is a very intimate gesture and it's one I only ever use with my little sister or people I've dated. Maybe it's wishful thinking from my part because I do like her but I've always gotten the impression that she's straight... so I'm confused as to what it meant or what it didn't mean. 

To top it off there's a guy I also somewhat like but he's so not interested in me. I'm always the girl guys treat as a friend and, generally, I really don't mind but when I meet someone I do like it's kinda frustrating. We also have a really good connection and I enjoy having conversations with him but I do like her more than him. I'm trying not really fall for either because I really don't want to relive my dark high school crush days. 

As for my exam... I don't think I did too well on it and depending on what I got I might drop the class and retake it during the summer. I can't afford to fail a class so I rather be safe than sorry.

To Put Into Words

My first day back from Spring Break and I'm already feeling overwhelmed with the things I have to do but I have no one to blame but myself for that. I suppose I should have studied more during the week that I had off but I instead went on a vacation in all aspects. But even with all this going on I still feel like I can do more than ever before because I'm determined to make a change in my life. I know this semester won't be perfect or what I would want it to be because I've let so much go at the beginning but I can do my best now and end decent. At this point I don't worry so much about making my GPA better because I have to face the reality that I've messed it up and it's impossible at this point to make it better all I can do is to at least keep it where it's at.

After this break I decided to come clean with my mom about my financial woes. I felt pretty disappointed in myself for keeping this from her but I feel so much better now that we're on the same page concerning me. I think so much of my hostility towards her was based on my keeping so many secrets and lying to her and I was just tired of it. It got to the point where I just wanted to let it out and just deal with whatever she had to say because I knew she'd help me no matter what. I'm always talking about not wanting to be in her debt but I was being naive and stupid by saying that because without realizing it I really did depend on her all this time.

My mom may not be perfect but she's all I got and I've definitely taken her for granted because all she's ever wanted to do is help me even when I've been self-destructing these past few years because I realize that, that's what I've been doing with myself. But I've started on a clean slate with her and we know where we stand. Granted we still have problems getting along but I think that has more to do with the fact that we both are extremely similar in personality and character we're bound to butt heads.

The point of this... I'm feeling better and I'm going to do better. I've let myself fall apart but I'm putting the pieces back together and at the end of it I hope to stand back and look at myself with joy.

Spring Break

So my mom decided we would come to Sedona, Arizona for Spring Break and I was pretty excited about the prospect of coming here because I love this place. Unfortunately with that comes our constant fighting and arguing. As a family I know that we care for each other but because we have such strong personalities it makes it difficult for us to communicate without taking things out of context. Out of all the places I've visited I have to admit that Sedona is amongst one of my favorite places I've been to (it's in second place, first place goes to Austin). I really love that Sedona is this center for New Age philosophies. I've always been fascinated by astrology, chinese astrology, and tarot but recently I've become increasingly fascinated with tarot and numerology.

Now my mom isn't exactly happy at the fact that I really find these things interesting because she rather have me go to a church and pray. Unfortunately for her I haven't believed in Catholicism since I was in Catholic school.... kind of strange that things happened that way but I found the religion to be incredibly hypocritical and I honestly just didn't believe. I don't really have anything I believe in but I'm interested in exploring what's out there.