To Put Into Words

My first day back from Spring Break and I'm already feeling overwhelmed with the things I have to do but I have no one to blame but myself for that. I suppose I should have studied more during the week that I had off but I instead went on a vacation in all aspects. But even with all this going on I still feel like I can do more than ever before because I'm determined to make a change in my life. I know this semester won't be perfect or what I would want it to be because I've let so much go at the beginning but I can do my best now and end decent. At this point I don't worry so much about making my GPA better because I have to face the reality that I've messed it up and it's impossible at this point to make it better all I can do is to at least keep it where it's at.

After this break I decided to come clean with my mom about my financial woes. I felt pretty disappointed in myself for keeping this from her but I feel so much better now that we're on the same page concerning me. I think so much of my hostility towards her was based on my keeping so many secrets and lying to her and I was just tired of it. It got to the point where I just wanted to let it out and just deal with whatever she had to say because I knew she'd help me no matter what. I'm always talking about not wanting to be in her debt but I was being naive and stupid by saying that because without realizing it I really did depend on her all this time.

My mom may not be perfect but she's all I got and I've definitely taken her for granted because all she's ever wanted to do is help me even when I've been self-destructing these past few years because I realize that, that's what I've been doing with myself. But I've started on a clean slate with her and we know where we stand. Granted we still have problems getting along but I think that has more to do with the fact that we both are extremely similar in personality and character we're bound to butt heads.

The point of this... I'm feeling better and I'm going to do better. I've let myself fall apart but I'm putting the pieces back together and at the end of it I hope to stand back and look at myself with joy.