Tuesday afternoon I spent my day at school with the purpose of studying for my tax exam and giving a pledge an interview. I ended up interviewing another pledge and spending time with my kindred spirit but there's something that's been on mind lately that happened that day. I feel like I'm over thinking it way too much but I'm it's still on my mind. I always joke about this girl being kindred spirit because I feel extremely comfortable around her and we always have great conversations plus I feel like there's an awesome connection between me and her. But I've noticed that she's very touchy with me and Tuesday was no exception. When I finished my interview with a pledge I sat with her and while she interviewed a pledge. We mainly talked and joked around but during the conversation with the pledge she unconsciously (or maybe it was conscious) took a hold of my hand and interlocked our fingers together. I don't know about other people but holding hands in that manner is a very intimate gesture and it's one I only ever use with my little sister or people I've dated. Maybe it's wishful thinking from my part because I do like her but I've always gotten the impression that she's straight... so I'm confused as to what it meant or what it didn't mean.
To top it off there's a guy I also somewhat like but he's so not interested in me. I'm always the girl guys treat as a friend and, generally, I really don't mind but when I meet someone I do like it's kinda frustrating. We also have a really good connection and I enjoy having conversations with him but I do like her more than him. I'm trying not really fall for either because I really don't want to relive my dark high school crush days.
As for my exam... I don't think I did too well on it and depending on what I got I might drop the class and retake it during the summer. I can't afford to fail a class so I rather be safe than sorry.
My first day back from Spring Break and I'm already feeling overwhelmed with the things I have to do but I have no one to blame but myself for that. I suppose I should have studied more during the week that I had off but I instead went on a vacation in all aspects. But even with all this going on I still feel like I can do more than ever before because I'm determined to make a change in my life. I know this semester won't be perfect or what I would want it to be because I've let so much go at the beginning but I can do my best now and end decent. At this point I don't worry so much about making my GPA better because I have to face the reality that I've messed it up and it's impossible at this point to make it better all I can do is to at least keep it where it's at.
After this break I decided to come clean with my mom about my financial woes. I felt pretty disappointed in myself for keeping this from her but I feel so much better now that we're on the same page concerning me. I think so much of my hostility towards her was based on my keeping so many secrets and lying to her and I was just tired of it. It got to the point where I just wanted to let it out and just deal with whatever she had to say because I knew she'd help me no matter what. I'm always talking about not wanting to be in her debt but I was being naive and stupid by saying that because without realizing it I really did depend on her all this time.
My mom may not be perfect but she's all I got and I've definitely taken her for granted because all she's ever wanted to do is help me even when I've been self-destructing these past few years because I realize that, that's what I've been doing with myself. But I've started on a clean slate with her and we know where we stand. Granted we still have problems getting along but I think that has more to do with the fact that we both are extremely similar in personality and character we're bound to butt heads.
The point of this... I'm feeling better and I'm going to do better. I've let myself fall apart but I'm putting the pieces back together and at the end of it I hope to stand back and look at myself with joy.
So my mom decided we would come to Sedona, Arizona for Spring Break and I was pretty excited about the prospect of coming here because I love this place. Unfortunately with that comes our constant fighting and arguing. As a family I know that we care for each other but because we have such strong personalities it makes it difficult for us to communicate without taking things out of context. Out of all the places I've visited I have to admit that Sedona is amongst one of my favorite places I've been to (it's in second place, first place goes to Austin). I really love that Sedona is this center for New Age philosophies. I've always been fascinated by astrology, chinese astrology, and tarot but recently I've become increasingly fascinated with tarot and numerology.
Now my mom isn't exactly happy at the fact that I really find these things interesting because she rather have me go to a church and pray. Unfortunately for her I haven't believed in Catholicism since I was in Catholic school.... kind of strange that things happened that way but I found the religion to be incredibly hypocritical and I honestly just didn't believe. I don't really have anything I believe in but I'm interested in exploring what's out there.
Well here I am at the end of another semester. This first half of the year has really come to a surprise for me to be quite honest and most of it is just a reflection of what has been going on in my head. I think I'm more aware now that I'm so unhappy with my life right now because of me not because of other people in my life. I know the last time I wrote on here was in March but honestly there are so many venues for social media that I don't know which one to use. But anyway I like blogspot because I can fully right down what I'm feeling and what is on my mind. Although I have to admit that I use twitter a whole lot more than blogspot... .fb too but I'm finding to be more trouble that it's worth these days.
This semester at school has not been the best to be quite frank and mostly because I can't seem to fucking focus on what I need to do to be finished with my fucking education. So once again I changed my major from Accounting to Finance because it'll honestly let me finish quicker. After that I want to find a job away from El Paso.... I don't hate it here but something about this place makes you so complacent with life and I'm starting to feel that way. Maybe it's my lack of ambition but even without that I want a better quality of life and with staying here I know that won't happen. I want to meet new people, speak a different language, travel, make my own decisions, and just LIVE. I haven't been able to do that here because my parents have so much control and I don't have the means to leave with school.
But anyways I have to get back to writing a paper I need to turn in and study for my finals....woo hoo :/
I'm finding it extremely difficult to sit and be productive for once despite how much I need it this semester. I don't know if it's because I'm at home or what but it's becoming an increasing problem that I really don't know how to deal with. You would think that after so many years of going to college I would have a routine that would work for me. I can't really make myself care though and I think that's the root of all my problems... I just don't care. Not that's a revelation but I've been spending too much time thinking the last few months and it's really come down to why it is that I care so much about all my morals and arguements.... why should I care if someone isn't going to college... it isn't doing me any favors and by the time I graduate I'll be lucky to find a mediocre job with the shit I've made my GPA into. I don't know if I would go back and change the last few years but I feel that something is missing in my life. Wow I really seem to be jumping around but I'll come back to what I was talking about... through my revelations I've come to this agreement to myself that some things don't really matter in this world... it's just like humans to make things so important to us that we lose sight of the things that truly matter. For me it's been an issue because I can't really find something to care for.... I know I say that I love my family but I can only really say that I love my sister... other than that what else can I love. It's all this massive ball of nonethingness.
I think part of the reason why I've become so detached has been because I can't really be in the middle... either I become to emotionally involved or detached there's no balance between the two. When I have been emotionally attached I've come out so exhausted and feeling so raw that I really don't want to experience it again. Perhaps it's my overwhelming negativity that has me in this ..depressive?... spiral that I can't seem to pull myself out of. I really want to be involved and be this person that people can look up to but I have to force myself because... there's just no incentive to move forward. I keep think "one more year and you're done... your freedom is right around the corner" but is it? Can I truly be free? Maybe I'm just too afraid to move forward and I can't let myself break outta of my shell.
I don't know what is that I'm looking for. But the thing I want most right now? I think that's someone that understands me... companionship and I don't mean a relationship of the romantic kind but just someone I can be me with. I constantly feel like a child because I can't find people I can relate with but feel this jealousy towards people that have that. I'm starting to think that I'm really not like most twenty some year olds that want to party and have fun... maybe I need that but I don't think I do.. at least it doesn't appeal to me like it would to most people. Everyone else seems to moving along and I'm stuck... just stuck not really going forward or backwards and I really hate the feeling.
Well I'm waiting for my sister to be out of her activities from school. Somedays I feel more like her parents than a sister and I find that I really don't mind. I rather like her school but I have issues with it being so close to a church. I don't have anything against religion but this church has always given me the willie nillies.... I'm scared of overly zealous religious people and this church is filled with them.
I'm so glad it's a friday.... I want to get home, rest for a bit, and then going out again with my friend Rita. I really want to go to the Vagina Monologues too.... but we'll see how the afternoon goes. What I'm not looking forward to is going to the pledge pinning ceremony for the fraternity that I'm part of but I suppose I'll have to go... I guess :/. My mom should also be coming today from her work trip.... YAY *sarcasm* my vacations are over.
The one thing I did do yesterday that has me all excited was finally going to the QSA (Queer Straight Alliance) meeting at my university! I had been wanting to be part of that for SO long but never did it but this semester I am determined to be active in the organization. One thing I really want to bring to the table is creating something that would allow all LGBT youth to express themselves and their feelings if they can't find it in their high schools or family.
I'm officially part of a board that is helping organize something called the Queer Prom that allows those LGBT who were never able to go to their proms or homecoming because they weren't allowed or were to scared to take a date of the same gender. Let the Brain storming begin! ^_^
I'm tired of being what you want me to be feeling so faithless lost under the surface Don't know what you're expecting of me Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes (Caught in the the undertow just caught in the undertow) Every step that I take is another mistake to you ( Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
I've become so numb I can't feel you there Become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you
Can't you see that you're smothering me Holding too tightly afraid to lose control Cause everything that you thought I would be Has fallen apart right in front of you (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow) Every step that I take is another mistake to you (Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertwo) And every second I waste is more than I can take
I've become so numb I can't feel you there Become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do Is be more like me and be less like you
And I know I may end up failing too But I know You were just like me with someone disappointed in you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there Become so tired so much more aware I'm becoming this all I want to do Is bemore like me and be less like you
I've become so numb I can't feel you there I'm tired of being what you want me to be I've become so numb I can't feel you there I'm tired of being what you want me to be
